BABY ON BOARD LIFE The Confessional

Them vs Us

them-vs-us-lifebylotte

Another controversial post for you today… It’s something I’ve been thinking about ever since I got pregnant. And something I perhaps shouldn’t confess to but, you know me, I like to be honest. And overshare. And tell people things that are best kept to myself. Hmmm.

But, anyway, it’s Sunday after all. Confession time. Here goes: before I got pregnant I used to view women with children in a rather unsisterly way. I don’t know what it was, but a part of me thought they’d kind of failed the feminist movement somewhat by conforming to biological stereotypes rather than going out there and changing the world (I am aware of how ridiculous this sounds, it’s not like I was changing the bloody world either). But I thought they’d taken the ‘easy option’ by choosing motherhood over furthering their careers. And I was aware that lots of women did manage to further their careers while becoming mothers but they seemed to be in the minority and seemed to spend the entire time banging on about how hard it was, which just struck me as showing off.

It may sound absolutely insane. Like I said, it was just a small part of me – I’m not completely inhuman, I did also understand that they were sacrificing many of their wants and needs for the future generation. But I would roll my eyes if I was on a train and heard two mothers chatting about some aspect of their child’s care as though it was the only thing that mattered. I’d get irritated if I heard them complain about how tired they were (you CHOSE this life, I’d think, very uncharitably, suck it up). I’d hate the women with pushchairs in shopping centres who’d ram past me to get to where they wanted, completely oblivious to my existence. I’d tut out loud at children having tantrums in supermarkets. I’d do a SATC Samantha at badly behaved children in nice restaurants. I’d inwardly judge women who decided to be stay-at-home mums with fierce prejudice. I’d even be a bit pissed off if a pregnant woman without a bump yet barged past me on the tube to grab a seat.

I know, I know.

It really did feel a bit ‘them vs us’ – the childless (or childfree as I liked to think of it) versus the mothers. How horrible of me. But I don’t think I’m alone in feeling like this*.

If I’d had a difficult day at work, I used to think how easy mothers had it, being at home all day watching This Morning and online shopping. HA! One thing I have learned: there is nothing mentally harder than being at home alone all day with a young baby. Single mothers have my utmost respect.

One of my friends said that having a baby is like joining an epic worldwide club. A club of overtired, empathetic women. It’s so true. You suddenly feel sorry for the pregnant woman on the tube who knows she has to grab that seat because at ten weeks she feels lightheaded standing. You offer her yours gladly. You feel deep sadness for the poor woman trying to have a nice meal out while containing a bored hyperactive toddler. You wish you could help. When you see a woman pushing a hooded pram with grim determination you notice her eyebags and stained leggings and you wonder how old the baby is, and how much sleep she had the previous night. You want to reach out and hug her and tell her that it gets easier, it really does. When you hear women chatting about childcare, you feel great relief that you’re not the only one going through such things and often end up joining in (motherhood is a great way of getting talking to ANYONE!). You feel these women ARE you, they belong with you, you GET them and you like them even if in your former life you would have had nothing in common. It is actually one of the best bits of motherhood – this sudden deep solidarity with other women.

I wonder why the old me felt so scathing of mothers. I wonder if it was jealousy, or some kind of defence mechanism. I always worried that I wouldn’t get around to having children and that I’d regret it long term – was this my own survival instincts prepping me for the future? Telling me somehow that that life was crap, that I’d had a lucky escape? I don’t know. I do know I feel a bit ashamed now. It doesn’t mean I don’t look back on my old life and think, god that was a great life, I had so much freedom and time and opportunity. In many ways I miss it. I miss being one of the childfree. Because without a child, you ARE free. I am aware of motherhood’s limitations. I don’t think that there’s a clearcut winner in the ‘having a baby’ versus ‘not having a baby’ life choices. Both have their difficulties, both have their advantages.

But at the same time, this new empathy, this new KINDNESS and respect for others that I’ve developed since having Daphne. That’s something I didn’t expect, and something I’m so grateful for.

I guess the short version of this post is: motherhood has made me a nicer person.

* It may be that EVERYONE feels like this before they have kids, in which case, I feel much less sociopathic. 

Like what you just read? You can follow me on TwitterFacebook and Bloglovin' to be the first to know what I’m up to. And I’ll love you forever!

2 Comments

  • Reply
    Chloe
    September 7, 2016 at 5:15 pm

    great piece. I have an inkling on why you and people (IT IS NOT JUST YOU!) have those feelings toward parents in our society. For one there is the child worship that goes on – parenthood is the highest calling yada yada (it’s noticeable this is only in today’s western world – much of the rest of world is a bit WTF?! at that, and in decades past there wasn’t this reverence of parenthood so it’s a ‘now’ problem).

    The other part of it is that pressure to have children: how there’s an expectation for women. You may say here that you don’t think there is a “right” life choice: but it’s noticeable that when you chose the one that society backs, then things got smoother for your interactions. You got other women and they got you, right?

    Consider the flip side. How when you choose not to do so then parents, on the whole, seem to simultaneously pity you as well as be jealous of your life. A crazy mix of “oh you have it so good, I wish I could [sleep, go out, insert cliche here]”… followed by “oh I’ve changed SO much since children, it’s the BEST and you basically haven’t even lived until you do it – so when are you having children?”

    That is part of the underlying reason why childfree people can sometimes get annoyed, on their bad days, with showing respect to a group that time and time again fails to show respect to them. I believe that happens sub-consciously, but it does happen. So it’s worth interrogating your conclusion: did parenthood make you a nicer person… or a nicer person to mothers? (Not knowing you this isn’t a leading question, and certainly not suggesting one of the other! But one to consider).

    • Charlotte Duckworth
      Reply
      Charlotte Duckworth
      September 7, 2016 at 8:01 pm

      You make some really good points Chloe! I have to say I hate those mothers who go on about how hard having kids is and how ‘jealous’ they are of people without kids because it’s really patronising like you say. Just pointless and mean. And I also take your point about parenthood making me nicer to mothers but actually I think it’s made me more considerate in general, and certainly more emotional – as well as more tolerant of people’s choices I think. I guess I just notice it more in the way I feel about mothers because I was particularly mean-spirited towards them before!

    Leave a Reply