Well, not my first mother’s day EVER of course, but my first as a mother! It started, in true Daphne style, at 1am, when she decided to wake up ridiculously early for her middle-of-the-night feed (yes, the one we’re trying to cut out, but failing). It then continued at 4am when she woke up again, this time bawling her eyes out, and I only had to go into the hallway to smell the reason why. So that was nice: a 4am poo to wish me a happy mother’s day. You’ve got to love her style.
Anyway I’m grateful that my gentleman companion said he’d get up with her at 6am (by then she had decided that it was time for the day to start – THANK YOU VERY MUCH BUT I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT BLOODY COT MOBILE NOW) and I had a lie-in until 9, which was much needed. I was given some stunning flowers and a card she apparently picked herself (Oli said he was looking at them in the shop and he looked down and she’d pulled one off the shelf, which is very like her as she’s grabbing everything at the moment – so of course he had to buy that one. Luckily it had a bunny on it and was suitably cute). Then we went off to my parents’ for a mother’s day lunch with the family.
It’s very strange to think I am a mother, and it doesn’t feel how I imagined it would. I’m not sure that any of the ‘having a baby’ thing has really sunk in just yet, but that’s because my focus is so constantly and entirely on Daphne and her needs, and I haven’t really bothered to think about myself in the context of ‘being a mother’ really. And I suppose that’s what being a mother is all about – not thinking about yourself first anymore. Daphne is the only person I would willingly get out of bed at 4am for when it’s -2 degrees outside and only 16 degrees inside, and the only person for whom I’ll sit in the car after arriving at my destination for forty minutes in order to ensure she has a long enough nap. I worry about her far more than I ever worried about myself (I’m not really much of a worrier) – in fact, Daphne has made me completely neurotic and I am aware that I am total control freak when it comes to her. I need to loosen up a
bit lot. But I’m so protective of her because of the issues I had during pregnancy, and then she was so small when she was born, with all the problems that that involved. I feel like she’s a really sensitive baby, who’s overstimulated easily and loves routine and I am anxious to ensure that she doesn’t ever get overwhelmed. But I’m sure my anxiety rubs off and affects her too – and that means I need to chill the fuck out a bit and learn to relax.
Before I ever even got pregnant, I noticed that my friends who were a bit more highly strung about their kids seemed to have more highly strung children, and my laid-back friends had ‘easy’ babies. Not sure if it was just coincidence in those cases but I remember registering it and thinking that if I ever had a baby I’d have to make a conscious effort to be relaxed and laid-back – HA HA HA. Not so easy when you’re in the thick of it – I’m probably the least relaxed and laid-back mother on the planet. In my defence, four months of colic will do that to you. But every day she seems a little bit calmer and a little bit happier – I hope as she grows and seems better able to cope with things I’ll feel more confident on her behalf.
Phew! This is a bit of a stream of consciousness. Not quite what I had in mind for today’s post but there you go. Sometimes it’s good to get these thoughts down on… a computer screen.
What I really meant to say was… happy mother’s day mums! I’m SO happy to be in your club and I think you’re all bloomin’ amazing. Including my own mum – who’s also proving herself to be the most stellar grandmother too. We’re lucky to have you.